Beloved Printers Found Dead
New Senior Privileges: Soul Harvesting
Dr. Arnold's True Identity
New PE Class: Living Everyday Like Our Last
Dr. Arnold's True Identity
Cryptids Of IACS
Vol. 12 Issue 4. April 1st 2019
by Everly Orfanedes
Vol. 12 Issue 4. April 1st 2019
Student Art p. 6
Cryptids of IACS p. 10-11
Dr. Arnold's True Identity p. 13
Features and Opinions
By Lauren Donald
Cannibalism Isn't Just Ethically Neutral, But Humane
In the months since the New Year, many members of the Student Body have been fulfilling their “new year new me” resolutions with a new high-protein diet. IACS students have reported feeling energetic, healthy, and guilt-free. The new diet consists of lots of water, quinoa, and at least two servings of human meat a day.
Despite many people finding the practice “reprehensible” and “disgusting”, the Cannibalism Trend has spread throughout the school like wildfire. Students love the ethically sourced meals, and the school’s vegetarian and vegan population are able to participate as well - no animals are being hurt, so it qualifies as vegan!
Students can purchase raw human remains with their Amazon Prime Subscription and have it delivered to their door within two hours! Wholefoods and Amazon have commented that all corpses are organic, grass-fed, and cage free.
The Innovator does not condone any readers obtaining corpses by their own means, but as long as the human remains are ethically obtained, we give the diet five stars.
New PE Class: Living Every Day Like It's Your Last p. 4
NASA Lands in Tyngsburo p. 5
Beloved Printers Found Dead p. 5
Construction On IACS Pool p. 7
Armed Teachers Coming To IACS p. 7
"Cell Phone" Pockets' Real Use p. 8
New Senior Privileges: Soul Harvesting p. 9
Disgusting! TOILETS Found In Juul Room p. 12
The Innovator is a student–run newspaper at Innovation Academy Charter School in Tyngsborough, Massachusetts, committed to providing the IACS high school community with accurate, informative and up–to–date stories, and a public forum for student expression.
The Innovator is entirely student–run, and therefore, all decisions are made by students. The editors will often seek guidance from the faculty advisor, but all final decisions are made by the Head Editors. Questions, comments, or concerns should be directed to the Head Editors.
The Innovator is an open forum for student ideas and opinions. Ideas and opinions can be sent to The Innovator in the form of a letter–to–the–editor. The editors reserve the right to reject student submissions if they breach any of the policies listed in our charter. All editorials reflect the unanimous opinion of the newspaper staff.
The Innovator is going to start coming out monthly in magazine format and occasionally in Minivator format. You can also access articles online at theinnovator.org.
All submissions can be sent to:
email@example.com. or firstname.lastname@example.org
About the cover: Drawn by Penelope McDonald, the cover is a reference to how completely serious the articles in this issue are.
In this issue
by Nathan Smith
This semester Mr Thornton has taken IACS’s unique Physical Education curriculum to a new level with the option of a new survival-based course reminiscent of “The Hunger Games”.
Students taking “Live Every Day Like It's Your Last!” will spend most of the semester learning and practicing survival tactics they will execute during the final exam at the end of the semester. Because students will be required to survive on their own in the woods surrounding the school, they will also be taught basic survival skills like Shelter Making, How to Hunt Like A Pro, and Arson 101.
“It sucks that I feel like I can’t miss the class - if you get injured and can’t come, you miss out on valuable lessons you might need in the future.” said Junior Cam Ngoun, who is taking the class, “I didn’t get to experience bludgeoning and I broke my rib during our first sparring match.”
If you know the basics of The Hunger Games movies and books, then you know each of the 24 students will go in with their choice of the provided supplies at the end of the year. At the end of the ‘final exam’ one remaining student will pass the class. As Ngoun had said, it is extremely important to make sure students are attending each class so they have the skills they need to survive the final exam.
Each unit will last about a month until all of the students are let out to survive at the Quarry. “I’ve been wanting to get a course with this curriculum approved for the past few years, and I’m very excited to start training my students” says Mr Thornton.
Students are enjoying the class so far and are looking forward to learning new survival techniques over the course of the semester.
New PE Class: Living Every Day Like It's Your Last
By Emily Brown
Beloved Printers Found Dead
e all know that IACS has a history of perfect temperature control but recently the absolutely unexpected temperatures in IACS have attracted governmental investigators.
The extreme temperatures in adjacent rooms fascinate researchers at NASA.
One high level official who declined to give their name said “The insulation between rooms is mind blowing. The fact one room can be near boiling and another have frost on the desks is phenomenal!”
NASA engineers are harvesting pieces of the walls to test for its insulation value. Purportedly the R-value somehow both exceeds 100 and is less than 0.
This is remarkable, and some may argue impossible.
That won’t stop NASA though.
Synthesized IACS wall will accompany NASA’s first moon landing later this year, keeping the crew warm in the cockpit and freezing in the aft.
Funds raised from the selling of IACS wall samples will go towards a track exclusively for 100 meter dash record breaker: Aiden Felty.
Written By Nathan Smith
"I've been wanting to get a course with this curriculum for the past few years"
arly Thursday, IACS printers Romeo and Juliet, long relegated to two different buildings on the IACS campus, were found jammed and short circuited.
The two lovers were separated at the beginning of this year and moved to the farthest possible positions from one another in a cruel act vindictiveness between the warring houses of Kapeckas and Arnold.
The couple were each found having choked on an essay romanticizing the love shown in Romeo and Juliet. The two had spent only one night together.
Romeo was 18, in printer years, and set to graduate this year. Juliet was 13. They will be missed, because now we have to walk farther to print on the second floor.
NASA Lands in Tyngsboro
fter the leakage accident with the pool located in the IACS basement, the swim team is left without a place to practice while it undergoes construction. The left wall of the pool has a large crack, from an unknown cause, causing mold to grow in a small air pocket. A construction team will be coming in Tuesday, April 2nd to repair the damage. “We aren’t sure how long the repair will take but we are working on making the pond a… safe place for student use,” says Bob Feeney, the school’s director of facility. Until then IACS must rely on the Quarry and pond for PE classes and students that usually conduct their practices in the basement.
Many students do not know of the pools existence but it is used quite a bit by PE classes, the swim team, and the synchronized swimming choice block. IACS maintenance staff has been working on thawing the ice in the pond with hairdryers so it will be available for student use. As the ice melts outside, the swim team will be able to do laps in the pond.
Armed Teachers Coming to IACS
By Emma Foley
ince the series of attacks on schools, the education system has been debating the use of firearms for staff members. On March 25th, the Board of Trustees voted to allow a variety of weapons to be carried by members of the IACS staff, but will mostly be limited to revolutionary war artillery such as cannons, muskets, and close-ranged knives.
Staff members will be required to attend mandatory professional development days every half-day Wednesday in the month of April to learn how to load and fire cannons, which will be used to rain shrapnel over our enemies if Innovation Academy is ever under siege.
In addition to providing staff with concealed firearms, a new policy will be put into action meant to protect the school from intruders. Mr. DiCarlo’s robotics class have developed Roombas with knives attached to them that will patrol each floor of Landberg hall.
This has received pushback from parents who claim that that Roombas raise safety concerns. Helen Smith, whose children participate on the IACS soccer team, says, “It was more likely to maim a student than an actual intruder.” Despite the complaints from parents and numerous students, the administration remains adamant that these security measures have been put in place to protect the students.
Construction on IACS Pool
New Senior Privileges: Soul Harvesting
eginning next week, a new rule will be added to the student handbook: before walking into class, all students must now place their shoes in the shoe pockets located within the classrooms.
This controversial rule was meant to take place at the beginning of the school year, but many teachers misinterpreted the shoe pockets and instead had their students put their phones inside of them. Now, this rule will be officially enforced on Tuesday of next week.
Dr. Arnold became inspired to add this rule to the student handbook after taking an educational trip to Japan to learn more about J-Pop. While in Japan, he noticed how it was common for people to remove their shoes before entering a building as a sign of respect. He decided to bring this concept back to IACS to develop respect within the school.
“My trip to Japan not only taught me about the cultural significance J-Pop has on our society today, but has also taught me an important lesson about school culture,” Dr. Arnold said. He went on to describe how all students in IACS are equal, no matter their background, and removing shoes will help establish this idea.
Students have mixed feelings about this new rule. Sophomore, Alban Lebowski said, “Honestly, I don’t find it that big of a deal. I can finally show off my cool Sonic the Hedgehog socks in all of its glory!”
Meanwhile, Junior Gretel Blossombottom has a differing opinion. “I wish we had the option to keep our shoes. Many people, including myself, don’t feel very comfortable having their feet exposed like that in a public environment.”
Though the new rule has received some critical response from students and teachers alike, Dr. Arnold continues to be confident with his beliefs. “We just simply need to promote respect within our school facility. I know the shoe pockets will help solve that.”
By Jesena Kalabokis
Senior Lauren Donald rooting through a student's bag for money
"Cellphone" Pockets' Real Purpose
By Penelope McDonald and Emma Foley
s of May 6th, Seniors at Innovation Academy Charter School will be now allowed to harvest the life force of Underclassmen, one of several new privileges being granted by the newly rewritten Senior Privileges policy.
Despite the standards remaining high, the privileges given to Seniors are now worth the work. Seniors now have the legal ability, and are even encouraged, to reap the souls of other students, to go through other student’s property, and to vape on the campus.
The most interesting new privilege is the ability for students who qualify for Senior Privileges to freely reap Underclassmen's souls. Only during long pass, Seniors are allowed to hunt down and suck out the souls of any Freshman or Sophomore student that they choose.
There are currently no restrictions to this guideline, although head of the school Greg Orpen has gone on record to say, “We may punish students with up to 6 weeks of suspended extracurriculars for eliminating any students without any valid reason.” Staff members have yet to define what a ‘valid reason’ is, but the informational packet that was released claimed that this privilege was created in order to help keep the Underclassmen under control.
Seniors will recieve a .1 GPA boost for every five Underclassmen they reap. It is worth noting that reaping the soul of an Underclassman does not fatally injure them, but simply makes them unresponsive unless they have consumed a minimum of nine grams of pure caffeine.
Seniors who qualify for privileges will also be allowed to root through other student’s bags. Once a day, Seniors may pick any backpack, purse, tote bag, or other container for items that do not belong to them and raid it for up to two different items. The informational packet states they are not allowed to take electronics, but deeply personal belongings are fair game.
“It’s like a thrift shop,” said Senior Lauren Donald.
When asked about why this rule was being set in place, High School Principal Erik Arnold said, “Students often leave items behind, but those with Senior privileges will have proven they are typically on top of things. The purpose is to allow these students to get the supplies they need if they happen to leave something at home.”
The third, final, and least controversial rule allows students to freely vape between classes. This addition to the list of privileges has been widely praised by the senior class who have found it increasingly more difficult to get through the day without their daily mango flavored nicotine pick me up. When asked as to why these changes were made, Arnold said, “If you can’t beat them, join them.”
The new Senior Privileges have received some backlash among parents. The primary concern that was voiced by many parents was best stated by IACS Parent Helen Smith, “It is unfair for Seniors to be allowed these privileges. I believe that all grades should be allowed to harvest souls and vape, as it could help not only a few, but all of our children alleviate the stress from their schedules.”
These new privileges that will allow seniors to eat the souls of Freshmen and Sophomores, raid student property, and vape between classes will come into effect on May 6th.
"Honestly, I don't find it that big of a deal. I can finally show off my cool Sonic the Hedgehog socks in all of its glory!"
Artist's Depiction of The Crungle
He lives in the woods and you need to Run.
Thogrozog, Destroyer of Worlds
I know we don’t usually mention Thogrozog for fear of invoking his wrath and disturbing him from his resting place, enveloping the entire school. We’ve reached a tense yet peaceful state with his spiritual aura surrounding campus and his material form banished. But I felt like I couldn’t write an article about our supernatural friends without mentioning Thogrozog. Think about all the things he’s done for our school. He’s the one who got us Landberg Hall after destroying Brampton Hall, along with the entire 4th grade population. Remember when we had a 4th grade, and remember Brampton Hall? No you don’t.
lmost all of us have seen the various ghosts, demons and cryptids that walk the halls of Innovation Academy. Many of us have even communed with them, summoned them at the far end of the basement hallway, and even used their knowledge of many millennia to help us with homework. But for those of us who are new to the school, or who have yet to meet our otherworldly friends, here is a quick run down on their shenanigans.
By Kathryn Baird
Ah, our dear old principal. Ever since he passed away, he has admirably chosen to stay behind and continuously pace back and forth at the end of the second floor hallway. He’s a classic sight for new students and a reassuring sight for old ones. Here’s what sophomore Penelope McDonald had to say about his presence at the school. “One time I was walking down the hall to get a drink of water. He positioned himself directly in front of the water fountain and started aggressively chanting at me. I started to back away slowly, as is typical procedure for Dr. Arnold’s demonic outbursts.”
Helen the Soccer Mom
Of all of the supernatural beings we’ve covered on this list, none strikes more bone-chilling fear into the hearts of students and faculty (as well as those parents who have yet to be brainwashed). For most of our readers, Helen’s ragings need no explanation, but let this write up serve as a warning for some of our newer readers. Every day at precisely 3:01, you can hear Helen’s minivan begin to rev up. Anybody who knows better will get out of the way, but nevertheless, we lose a few innocents every day to Helen’s minivan, as she ploughs through the pickup line to pick up her perpetually late son. Experts have hypothesized that Helen has been sent to us as punishment from a vengeful god, and the loss of lives is nothing to whatever being that may be.
The Class of 2022
We’re starting off with some controversy. Opinions are quite divided on this particular entity, Some believe that this year’s freshmen are, in fact, real people, and others believe that they are entirely nonexistent and are just a projection of your deep subconscious. But the opinion that seems to be the most popular among students, teachers, and administrators is that the class of 2022 is held in a sort of purgatory between two worlds. Why they haven’t yet chosen to remain on or leave this plane of existence is still unclear, and may just remain one of those IACS mysteries.
The Cryptids of IACS
The Ghost of Your Grades
This ghost is a little less prevalent than some of the others. It’s a bit more seasonal, if you will, appearing every year from late February to the end of March. When you collapse in a state of exhaustion over a pile of revisions and late work, many say that the projection of an x2 page showing all A’s, dated from September, will appear solely to taunt you. There has been speculation that the ghost will go away with hard work and may be prevented from appearing entirely by not procrastinating. But the experts proposing those theories are n00bs.
By Tom Bojsen
Disgusting! TOILETS Found In Juul room
Dr. Arnold's True Identity
Suspected identity of Dr. Arnold
Photograph of one of many toilets
Hole in the wall of a bathroom
Food placed in urinals
On Tuesday, February 12th, students were shocked to find urinals and toilets lined up in the boys juul room near the main office.
The six lavatories occupied almost a quarter of the rooms previous size, and with them, they brought urine and undesirable odors that not even the strongest hits of mango blast could mask.
One anonymous freshman was the unfortunate discoverer of this sudden change. “I didn’t know what to do. The fear combined with the withdrawal symptoms left me shaking for the rest of long-pass”
When asked about the change, Dr. Arnold, the school principal, explained, “We were hoping that the underclassmen would be distracted by the toilets, and use them instead of juuling. We can only cross our fingers in hopes that it will work.”
Some brave sophomores have been the leaders in the retaliation. Filling the toilets with various foodstuffs, kicking in the walls, and standing on the urinals are just some of the methods of attack used against the faculty.
n March 28th, Sophomore Tom Bojsen joined the growing list of those alleging that Dr. Arnold is multiple cats inside of a trenchcoat.
One week before, an anonymous tip was sent to the board of trustees, sending the parents of IACS students into a panic.
“I would never send my child to a school where the administration is made up of felines,” said Helen Smith, mother of Sophomore Tommy Smith. “I’m much more of a dog person.”
Despite the number of parents and students expressing concern at the idea of Dr. Arnold being less than human, many staff members are pointing out inconsistencies.
Ms. Derival, a chemistry teacher at Innovation, said, “I don’t know if there is any scientific evidence to support the allegations. I was in a meeting with him today, and he was not wearing a trenchcoat.”
“The trenchcoat is underneath his clothing,” says Cassandra Oneil, who spoke out days after the tip was received. “That’s why he looks so intimidating. The muscles are actually the trenchcoat under his work clothes, and he seems so tall because the cats are walking on stilts.”
The gist of the accusations outline how Dr. Arnold executes his masquerade by padding a pair of stilts to appear like human legs, and using a puppet-like mask as a human face. Sophomore Katy Baird adds that he polishes it every night with windex, which is the reason his head appears so shiny.
Even with the number of people claiming they are aware of his true identity, there is still no definitive proof on the subject. Dr. Arnold has declined to comment.
2. ____ The Soccer Mom
5. Whats the new tasty treat seniors are allowed to have?
7. Who painted the Student Art?
8. Both Romeo and _____ were found dead.
9. Dr Arnold is made up of ____ in a trench coat.
10. Who lives in the woods?
1. Cellphone pockets' are now being used for ____?
3. What did NASA take from IACS?
4. What was found in the IACS Juul room?
6. Where do students have to swim now that there is pool construction?
The Innovator Crossword